Last year, on May 19, 2023, Erick and I got married in an intimate ceremony in his then backyard with 9 of our friends and family members. As most of my friends and family are in Malaysia, we also did a live Zoom streaming telecast for them to participate in the ceremony.
It was a sunset micro wedding, and we wanted a small event to mark a monumental moment that would fit both of us as introverts. We explored a few options and, in the end, thought, why not emulate what our friends, Michael and Bill, did for theirs when they had theirs in their backyard the year before.
And it was perfect, just the way we wanted it.
Fast forward. It's been one year.
After we got married in May, I left for Malaysia for seven weeks. I got a fellowship that allowed me to take time off work over the summer to focus on my dissertation research. I spent time in Malaysia to compensate for the lost time since I could not be home during COVID-19 for two years.
When I returned in August, we moved to a new place, just two doors down, in September 2023, and have lived under the same roof since.
Today, we had a very relaxed first wedding anniversary.
Erick treated me to a luxurious omakase experience in D.C., a traditional Japanese dining experience where the chef prepares a series of dishes for you. This was significant for us as it was a new and unique experience that we shared, deepening our connection and creating a memorable first anniversary.
We then went to the National Archives Gallery to walk around before getting coffee and heading home.
As I sit here, reminiscing on the evening of our first anniversary, I am filled with a sense of writing down what I learned. The first year of our marriage has been a journey of self-discovery and understanding. I am reflecting on three profound lessons that have shaped our relationship and enriched our bond.
#1 Recognizing when it is harmony or simply avoidance
We barely argue. That should be the gold standard in relationships, right?.
As we both prioritize harmony, our disagreements are usually resolved quick. However, in one of our latest bickering, I began to question if we are avoidant instead of harmonious.
What could be harmonious could actually be an avoidant tactic, and I am paying more attention to this.
For me, I have a hard time being vulnerable.
As an internal processor, I tend to self-soothe during challenging moments, and I do it quite well. But this also means I am in danger of telling myself stories based on my perspective that may not be truly representative of the truth.
However, to get a better representation of what is going on, I need to practice vulnerability.
We even coined the term "flat smile." It's when I stretch my lips almost like in a smile, but my lips are in a lateral position. I would automatically default to this expression when Erick asks me how I was doing when he sees me going through a difficult emotion, and my default reaction is to let him know I am okay even when I am not.
And I think this goes back to the inability to be vulnerable because it is hard talking and processing difficult emotions, especially with our partner, but it's absolutely a necessity.
#2 Responding to our partner’s bidding
Earlier this year, I listened to this podcast on the importance of paying attention to our partner's bidding. Bidding, in the context of relationships, is when our partner reaches out for a connection. It could look like they are asking a question they may already know the answer to or sharing information. These seemingly small interactions are actually significant, as they contribute to the overall health and strength of a relationship.
I learned to not take for granted when my partner does his bidding.
They look small and insignificant but serve a mammoth purpose because couples who have their bids responded positively are healthier, stronger couples who stay together.
Dr. John and Julie Gottman, who study why some couples work and some don't at The Gottman Institute, learned that they can predict up to 80% accuracy if a couple will stay together based on how they respond to their partner's bidding.
A positive response is listening, tuning in, responding to their question, and inviting feedback.
A neutral response is to acknowledge but provide no further action.
A negative or unfavorable response would be completely disregarding or dismissing their partner's bid.
According to Gottman's research, couples who respond neutrally or negatively are likely to break up or divorce, while couples who respond favorably are likely to stay together.
I wish I could tell you that I respond to Erick's bidding all the time, but there are just days when I get caught up in a stressful moment and let my current headspace stop me from being present and responding to his bidding.
On the other hand, there are moments when Erick cannot respond to my bidding due to his headspace.
So what do I do?
I uphold one of the principles from The Four Agreements, a book by Don Miguel Ruiz, who said, "Don't take anything personally." This principle reminds me not to interpret Erick's actions or words as a personal attack, but rather as a reflection of his own thoughts and feelings.
When I allow him the space to be, and he allows me the space to be, we allow ourselves to be humans. Fallible and imperfect. But with the ability to course correct as long as we remember that we should not let too many biddings go unresponded.
#3 Keep filling the relationship jar
Like everything in life, when we continuously put effort into the area of life, things work out.
While living together is amazing, it's also very easy to take each other for granted.
Additionally, we are homebodies who love staying home, so we must make time to fill the relationship jar together.
One of the values we uphold in our relationship is awe. For us, this means experiencing novelty with each other on a regular basis. Experiencing awe with our partners has been known to deepen connection, and its effect can be enduring. That is one way to fill the relationship jar.
However, instead of waiting for a big trip, which likely only takes place 1 or 2 times a year to experience this, we find that day excursions to a place we haven't been before on a random weekday can be equally eligible to fill that relationship jar.
That takes a lot of intentionality.
Remembering Life Happens Now
Reflecting on these three lessons, my biggest hurdle is that I spend too much time worrying about the obligations and goals that I set for myself this season of my life.
I often think, "I just need to get through this phase so I can be present when I'm done."
However, I've realized this way of thinking is wrong because life happens now. We don't know where we'll be a year from now.
I need to remind myself to be present today instead of waiting for the day when everything works out to arrive because there is no such day.
Fortunately, Erick has been patient and understanding.
Lastly, to Erick,
Thank you for being the better half. Happy 1st year anniversary.
Love,
Wai Ling
Such a beautiful wedding, one of my highlights last year! I am honored to be part of it. And great tips about long term relationship.
I struggle very much with the respond to bidding. I may be as guilty as Thias on this, but I take it quite personally when he doesn't pay attention. I try to remind myself too that it's not me, he's just this type that can often be lost in his own thoughts, even midway through conversation. Having kids around who's constantly making noise and chaos, we often retreat into our mind even when we are physically there, we are not present.